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Dealing with various behavioral problems!
At all times children are going to be naughty or cause us concern. The problem is that as a single parent there is only you to deal with it. While I am not an expert in behavioral problems let me tell you I have been through the following:
Not sleeping longer than an hour & half when breastfeeding, not sleeping through the night until 2 years and 3 months, refusing food, fussy eating, refusal to wear clothes, delaying tactics at bedtime, fussiness over everything, not getting dressed in the morning, being potty trained at home but not out of it, refusal to wash face or hands, being demanding of my attention all the time, hitting, pulling clothes, only wanting "Mummy to do it" etc.
These are my main behavioral problems and I have tried every different strategy I can think of but the key is CONSISTENCY! You hear it a lot but it really is true. For me I want to be the loving Mummy, the friend, playmate, not the disciplinarian. I think I had a problem with "No means No" and now I'm really paying for it. It is much harder to be a good parent than it is to be a bad parent. Remember that, take solace in it.
I went on a Parenting Course run by my local "Sure Start" Centre. It did help a little in realising that my behaviour does have a huge impact on my son's behaviour and the first change needs to come from myself. Having a Psychology Degree and also specialising in Child Development I did think - what can I be taught? But the main support came from the friends I met. Here are some of my ideas about addressing behaviour. Not extensive but comprehensive non the less.
Not sleeping longer than an hour & half when breastfeeding, not sleeping through the night until 2 years and 3 months, refusing food, fussy eating, refusal to wear clothes, delaying tactics at bedtime, fussiness over everything, not getting dressed in the morning, being potty trained at home but not out of it, refusal to wash face or hands, being demanding of my attention all the time, hitting, pulling clothes, only wanting "Mummy to do it" etc.
These are my main behavioral problems and I have tried every different strategy I can think of but the key is CONSISTENCY! You hear it a lot but it really is true. For me I want to be the loving Mummy, the friend, playmate, not the disciplinarian. I think I had a problem with "No means No" and now I'm really paying for it. It is much harder to be a good parent than it is to be a bad parent. Remember that, take solace in it.
I went on a Parenting Course run by my local "Sure Start" Centre. It did help a little in realising that my behaviour does have a huge impact on my son's behaviour and the first change needs to come from myself. Having a Psychology Degree and also specialising in Child Development I did think - what can I be taught? But the main support came from the friends I met. Here are some of my ideas about addressing behaviour. Not extensive but comprehensive non the less.
Before you tackle anything!
Remember children are people too. In a study (Valerie Yule) she noticed that 85 pairs of adults in regular social situations were conversant and courteous to each other. In 65 of 85 adult/child pairings there was no verbal or even non-verbal communication. When there was communication a lot of it was negative - "Don't, No, commands to behave, fixing clothes with no words or telling a crying child to be quiet. Basic "rudeness" to children. Remember to treat your child with respect.
Change is possible - use what works for you.
I will start with Behaviour that you don't like. Children learn pretty early on how to get what they want.
Four common ways of misbehaving
1. Attention seeking - keeping you busy with them. Maybe refusing to eat or fighting with siblings - they are probably not even aware that they are attention seeking.
2. Power contests - refusing to eat or settle in bed, testing your limits.
3. Revenge seeking - If you always "win" then your child may try to find ways of getting even with you. "Go away, I hate you". This can start from about 18 months on.
4. Showing inadequacy - discouraged children believe that they are not capable of doing new things such as swimming or cycling and may even refuse to try. As a result they get extra attention and find that more is done for them. Usually occurs after age of 3 and after some months of feeling discouraged.
How we react - we often reward this behaviour instead of correcting it. For example "forcing a child to eat" makes the child centre of attention. Don't bribe or punish. So what do we do? I used this myself so I do speak from experience and also research. For example refusal of breakfast despite them being offered the choice of "cereal or toast" They choose something then refuse to eat it. Be firm and say, "ok you don't have to eat it". Stay calm and don't budge even if they request something else. Try to speak positively, don't say "no" but say " You can have that at lunchtime" or "You can have something nice to eat at lunch". It may work, it may not but often offering choices should make things easier but don't let a child play you around. If they are hungry they will eat the breakfast prepared. Mine does while I'm getting ready. If not they will learn, one missed breakfast will not starve them.
No instant solutions!
Every child is different, every parent is different. We all have different backgrounds and experiences. Just remember that stop rewarding misbehaviour, give less attention to it and always reward the good behaviour. When you find yourself in an argument or power struggle with your child try backing off, don't get sucked in. Ignore the attention-seeking behaviour but don't sulk! Keep a sense of humour about it!
There is of course no guarantee this will work for you
Try experimenting with different approaches but keep in mind the key fact, do not reward misbehaviour. So your child keeps you reading to them at bedtime, you feel guilty for being at work and not seeing that much of your child that day. You keep reading - your evening is gone! Set a limit, 3 books (depending on length etc) stick to it and tell them if they get up then they will have to go to bed the next night ten minutes earlier. This only works if your child has a concept of time. A great piece of advice I got from my "Mummy" friends was to have a cardboard clock next to your real clock that you set so they can see that when the big hand and small hand match up then this is bedtime or even use it as part of your morning routine. We found in our small group that the kids were ready and even reminding parents that time was running out!!
Change is not always immediate but a new approach can help to withdraw you from "power struggles".
To re-cap
Less attention to misbehaviour
Acting instead of talking - so making sure you follow up on what you say
Giving positive attention when it is not being expected
Four common ways of misbehaving
1. Attention seeking - keeping you busy with them. Maybe refusing to eat or fighting with siblings - they are probably not even aware that they are attention seeking.
2. Power contests - refusing to eat or settle in bed, testing your limits.
3. Revenge seeking - If you always "win" then your child may try to find ways of getting even with you. "Go away, I hate you". This can start from about 18 months on.
4. Showing inadequacy - discouraged children believe that they are not capable of doing new things such as swimming or cycling and may even refuse to try. As a result they get extra attention and find that more is done for them. Usually occurs after age of 3 and after some months of feeling discouraged.
How we react - we often reward this behaviour instead of correcting it. For example "forcing a child to eat" makes the child centre of attention. Don't bribe or punish. So what do we do? I used this myself so I do speak from experience and also research. For example refusal of breakfast despite them being offered the choice of "cereal or toast" They choose something then refuse to eat it. Be firm and say, "ok you don't have to eat it". Stay calm and don't budge even if they request something else. Try to speak positively, don't say "no" but say " You can have that at lunchtime" or "You can have something nice to eat at lunch". It may work, it may not but often offering choices should make things easier but don't let a child play you around. If they are hungry they will eat the breakfast prepared. Mine does while I'm getting ready. If not they will learn, one missed breakfast will not starve them.
No instant solutions!
Every child is different, every parent is different. We all have different backgrounds and experiences. Just remember that stop rewarding misbehaviour, give less attention to it and always reward the good behaviour. When you find yourself in an argument or power struggle with your child try backing off, don't get sucked in. Ignore the attention-seeking behaviour but don't sulk! Keep a sense of humour about it!
There is of course no guarantee this will work for you
Try experimenting with different approaches but keep in mind the key fact, do not reward misbehaviour. So your child keeps you reading to them at bedtime, you feel guilty for being at work and not seeing that much of your child that day. You keep reading - your evening is gone! Set a limit, 3 books (depending on length etc) stick to it and tell them if they get up then they will have to go to bed the next night ten minutes earlier. This only works if your child has a concept of time. A great piece of advice I got from my "Mummy" friends was to have a cardboard clock next to your real clock that you set so they can see that when the big hand and small hand match up then this is bedtime or even use it as part of your morning routine. We found in our small group that the kids were ready and even reminding parents that time was running out!!
Change is not always immediate but a new approach can help to withdraw you from "power struggles".
To re-cap
Less attention to misbehaviour
Acting instead of talking - so making sure you follow up on what you say
Giving positive attention when it is not being expected